


Banana Slam-a Jammin’

by loquaciouslass



Series: The Banana Trilogy [1]
Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Comedy, Graphic descriptions of fruit, Multi, Sex Education, master kohga is an asshole but he cares about his lil yiga, no actual smut, safe sex is best sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 17:42:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10518663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loquaciouslass/pseuds/loquaciouslass
Summary: Bananas are useful for a lot of things, like potassium, raising attack stats, and learning how to do a safe sex.Link would really rather he wasn’t involved.





	

Link could say a lot of things about the Yiga clan. He could say that they were determined, sneaky, occasionally dangerous or threatening, but the word that came to mind the most was  _ obsessive. _ The Eye of the Yiga followed him everywhere, from the tops of the mountains to the guardian-filled temple gilded in nothing but dust. And without fail, they would drop Mighty Bananas. 

 

The foot-soldiers dropped them. The ones in disguise took as much offense to Link rejecting their bananas as they did to him insulting Master Kohga. Heck, the sword-masters dispensed with currency altogether, instead carrying as many as  _ two  _ bunches of Mighty Bananas. And Link would know, because most of those bananas were still in his bag. 

 

Which was, on reflection, probably why they’d stolen his food bag upon capturing him. He hung in a cage with his head leaning against the side, pondering why they hadn’t offed him immediately. The only conclusion he’d come to was that they got distracted by the hundreds of bananas he’d been carrying. 

 

Hopefully for them, anyway, because they hadn’t touched the bow on his back.

 

Still, the Yiga were starting to gather. Tall and short, mostly those that still had a nasally tone. Boys and girls all in a room, shuffling, trying not to brush up against each other while little groups giggled and nudged. Thoughts of young knights crossed his mind. 

 

Well, he’d had a good life. Or, people told him he lived a good life. The little parts that he could remember now seemed mostly about food and horses. 

 

Yeah, good life. Link let his eyes go heavy and tuned out the chatter. If the little Yiga would feel better knowing they’d taken down the big bad hero, then good for them. Self-esteem was very important. At least until Mipha would bring him back, but hopefully her ghost would take a small bit of pity on the babies of the group. Or on him, because Link was fairly certain that one bow against...thirty or so Yiga wouldn’t end well. 

 

None of them seemed to have noticed him. 

 

He let the chatter wash over him like waves on a summer day, thinking of the seafood skewers and simmered fruit in his pack. The room fell silent, and he was ripped from his daydream- quite literally, as a pair of handcuffs snapped on him, and he fell to the floor. 

 

There was a Yiga standing above him. Chubby man, with a round belly and more ornaments than most. Link wracked his brain for a memory- did he know this guy? Had he heard of him? Something about a ‘cute tummy’ from someone, but maybe that was about a dog…or a horse? Maybe a baby? 

 

“-ey! Hey!” Said the man, snapping his fingers in Link’s face. “I understand that you must be  _ overwhelmed _ by your impending death, but I want at least a  _ little _ reaction before I crush you!” 

 

Link blinked. Arrogant, shouty...Revali? Had anyone ever said Revali had a cute tummy? It was very feather, of course, but Revali probably would have gone bananas if someone said that, at least, Link thought so. Oh, but it couldn’t be Revali. Not anyone he knew. 

 

Satisfied, Link looked into the eye of the mask the man was wearing. He seemed deflated. “Do you know who we are?” 

 

Nod. Avoid glassy eyes. Fail miserably and watch chubby man groan. 

 

“We are the Yiga Clan! Terror of Hyrule! The largest of Calamity Ganon’s followers! The most powerful and feared! And  _ I, _ ” he said, gesturing to himself as though spotlights and confetti would come raining down, “am the leader of the Yiga- Master Kohga!” 

 

The little Yiga cheered and whooped. Link almost wanted to clap. Too bad about the handcuffs. Though, they did seem brittle, so perhaps he could just feign a fall and stab the big bad here and now…

 

“Pah! We’ll deal with this silent hero in a moment. First, I must teach all the bright young minds in here about a very important subject.” His tone became somber. He picked up some fruit. Link felt his cheeks flush red, hoo boy, this was  _ not _ a lesson he wanted to be around for. Memories jostled in his mind, catcalls and fruits and difficult nights in the barracks. Master Kohga cleared his throat, showing the giggling crowd his spoils. “We,” he said, “Are going to be learning about the Bananas and the Hydromelons.” 

 

The cheering faded into awkward snorts, and Link stared at Master Kohga with a sort of horror he usually reserved for Lynels. This wasn’t happening. He was not about to be part of a re-enactment, featuring an embarrassing part of his life that was desperately clawing its way to the front of his head. Master Kohga was still talking. “Now,” he said, “You all remember the last lesson about this, right? How everyone has different parts and unless it smells like rot or hurts or turns a strange colour with warts it’s probably okay?” A murmur went around the room. “Well, today we’re talking about what happens when you mash parts together, and what sorta stuff can get up in your junk if you  _ aren’t  _ careful! A lesson I like to call…” He whacked Link in the chest. His breath caught and he started hacking before falling to the ground. The handcuffs broke under the force. “Why do I feel funny when I think about bananas?” 

 

There was a sensible part of Link that was tempted to cut his losses and run; quick change into some sheikah gear, forget the food, and climb out of the nearest window. There was another, less sensible and altogether more sentimental part that was looking at the shuffling Yiga with some sort of sympathy. 

 

A third part was the one that won though, and continued to watch with mute horror. Master Kohga was  _ caressing _ a banana. “Now, if you look at me doing this and you have the urge to run to the barracks or the showers, it’s  _ perfectly normal.  _ The banana is an extremely handsome fruit, but we have to be  _ careful  _ with it. Lots and lots of lubricant-  _ actual lubricant _ , Magdal, we all know what the week off was for- before you do anything to a banana. You have to respect the banana. Be nice to the banana, give it a silken touch.” 

 

Link was gaping. Kohga produced his pack of food from nowhere and pulled out all sorts of things; chuchu jellies, oils, monster extracts- oh  _ hell _ , not the heart elixirs- and he gathered them in his arms. The pack landed on Link’s lap. “We do not use these as lubricant.” Kohga said. He held up a chuchu jelly. “See this? This may  _ look _ like it’s slippery, ready to be slathered all over a banana or tulip or butthole, but chuchus use this to  _ digest things _ . It  _ will _ eat through protection, it  _ will _ push diseases into sensitive areas and it  _ will _ destroy any toys over time. Do you know how much mould can grow in little nooks? Play it safe, my little Yiga kids. Don’t stick chuchu jelly anywhere unless it’s been properly processed.” He paused, flicking a few of the other chuchu varieties into the pile. “And definitely don’t use these ones! You’ll hurt yourself real bad! Stick to smashing them on your enemies.” 

 

With that, he mashed the chuchu jellies onto Link’s head. The sudden wave of sensations, burning heat and electric spikes running up his spine before the ice chilled the whole thing down brought a squawk out. Master Kohga looked pleased. 

 

“You see? That will happen inside your genitals. You don’t want heroes inside your genitals. But lubricant is  _ still _ very important, so remember, no lube, no love! Worst comes to worst, you  _ can  _ ask for help finding safe ones, and there’s plenty of adults willing to point you the right way. Now, let’s look at why, in spite of urban legends, you definitely  _ should not _ use molduga skins as protection…” 

 

It went on. And on. Various things ended up mussed in Link’s hair and he was sticky. There were too many bananas to count, especially after the ‘why we don’t use guts’ segment. The parts on elixirs had been enlightening, but the sensible part of Link was screaming against the walls of the prison it had been trapped in. The prison of insatiable curiosity. It was  _ terrible _ . He knew he should move, just run before anything more dangerous ended up smooshed all over him, but he couldn’t. Kohga was captivating. It was like watching poetry, the kind of poetry heard in taverns from sad young men with too many hydromelons and liquors on their mind. 

 

He was cold and sticky and he didn’t even have the fun parts that went with it. But for the love of the goddess Hylia (who he sincerely hoped wasn’t watching- this was something he could do without judgemental statue stares on) he couldn’t tear his eyes and ears away from Kohga’s terrible, terrible analogies. 

The Yiga could  _ keep _ the mighty bananas. He never wanted to see one again. The entire speech was enough to make him consider monkhood. 

 

“So, does anyone have any questions about staying safe while you’re mashing meat?” Kohga finally said. Link almost sighed in relief. No more cold and sticky and smelly things being rubbed into him. One of the Yiga raised their hand. 

 

“Yes, Matma?” 

 

“Master Kohga! Why did the hero have to be in here?” 

 

Silence. 

 

“Ah, yes, well, that’s a very good question. I was planning to kill him outright and show you how to appropriately gut a foe but sex education for my young followers is  _ paramount! _ No hero is more important than that!” 

 

A little bit of murmuring. The same voice called, “Why doesn’t he have handcuffs on?” 

 

Now there was silence. A heavy, cold silence as Link slowly pulled his hands out from behind him and wiggled his fingers. Kohga  _ squirmed _ . 

 

“Proper banana fondling technique.” Said Link, finally, relishing the words around his tongue. “Your Master Kohga. Is very insistent on ensuring you all have a good time.” 

 

It was Kohga’s turn to watch in terror as Link, with every ounch of spiteful willpower he had, plucked the banana from him and licked it up the side. Peeling it, very slowly, and flicking his eyes to the mystified crowd. He sucked on the tip of the banana and Kohga let out the worst sort of whine. 

 

Link sucked, soft, and then bit down with the force of a wild animal. He mashed it between his teeth, swallowing, and turning to the crowd with a feral smile, “Only let someone eat your banana if you  _ trust _ them, kids.” He snatched the bag from Kohga. “Some people have  _ teeth _ .”

 

And he vanished with the Sheikah Slate. 

 

* * *

 

Link forgot about it, for a while. He wandered the towns and hunted deer, but it was only when he went fishing that he realised he may have made a wonderful mistake. He’d dropped his things to the side, shirt included, when he heard the tell-tale laughter of a Yiga Ninja, itching for a fight. 

 

There were three of them, easy enough so long as only one had a bow, and he could easily-

 

They were giggling. They started  _ giggling _ once he turned around. One even covered their face with their hands, before they vanished. Link frowned a little, caught his fish, and went over to where they’d been. 

 

He dropped the fish. 

 

Not only were there bananas, they were decorated. There was a fruit salad, seasoned with honey, all cut up into cute shapes. With a whole banana on top. 

 

A whole...banana…that looked very shiny. 

 

Link stared up at the sky, and wondered what he’d gotten himself into. 

**Author's Note:**

> The banana is his penis.


End file.
